When I was obsessed with trying to lose weight, I tried many detoxes and cleanses so I know how they work.

While detoxes aren’t fun, there are a few benefits you may experience:

  • Catch up on all your favourite Netflix shows because you don’t have the energy to leave the house.

  • Save $$ on toilet paper because you can only do a number 1.

  • Require less fake tan because you’ve turned orange from eating too many carrots.

But that’s really about all the benefits you get from detoxing… 

So let’s explore the 8 simple steps you take when you detox. 

How to cleanse or detox your body

Step 1. Quit your job (or pull a sickie).

Don’t expect to be productive, be able to concentrate or be a nice person while you detox. Warn your family and friends not to contact.

Step 2. Buy overpriced supplements with no scientific backing.

If it’s backed up by a health blogger, then that’s all the evidence needed. Apparently, doctors and qualified health professionals don’t endorse detoxes because they are just trying to make money.

Step 3. Spend all day on the toilet. Or asleep.

Light some scented candles to fumigate the bathroom. Make sure you’ve got magazines to read. You’re going to be in there for a while…

Step 4. Keep ice packs on hand. 

A cooling ice pack may help you forget just how miserable you feel. Prepare to have a headache the whole time.

Step 5. Emerge from your cleanse cocoon with dehydration and significantly less muscle mass.

Pretend you like the taste of cayenne pepper lemon maple water to all your friends who ask. 

Step 6. Quickly realise how good it is to chew food!

Eating is way more fun than diarrhoea. Suddenly remember that you love food like you love Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. 

Step 7. Put on all the ‘weight’ you lost (plus more).

Discover that you didn’t lose fat – you lost muscle mass, willpower, time and money. Now you feel deprived, hungry and tired which sets you up for emotional eating. Regain more weight than you lost. 

Step 8. Feel like a failure.

Beat yourself up for failing (again) instead of realising that diets, detoxes and cleanses failed you (not the other way around).

Read a (witty/charming) blog post that explains that you actually don’t need to detox your body at all. Vow never to detox again! Hooray :D  

How to detox naturally (aka. How to never detox again)

Recognise that your body naturally detoxes itself. Your lungs, liver, kidneys have got it covered. To help them out, you may want to;

  • Detox your life permanently from crappy health advice. Get your health advice from qualified health professionals. I promise you’ll be a whole lot healthier and feel a lot lighter!

  • Consume fewer (so-called) ‘toxins’ and you won’t need to cleanse.

  • Adopt healthy habits, not restrictions. Quit smoking, drink less booze and fill up with fruit and veggies.

  • Detox your social media account of health bloggers who get paid big bucks to deceive you and sell detoxes.

If you’re sick of always looking for the next diet and want to feel good in your body, check out Back to Basics.

It’ll help you cook more often without dieting or obsessing. It’s perfect if you know what to do but find it hard to be consistent. Check it out! 

Disclaimer: This blog post is satirical and meant to educate and entertain. Did it work? Want more info on so-called ‘toxins’? I loved this article called ‘Fashionably Toxic’ by Dr David Gorski. 

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